Dear Sydney,
I am having a moment today and I decided that I just needed to sit down and write about it. Every now and then, I think back on how hard life was for me, you, and Dad before your surgery. And when I think about it- I get a little teary eyed.

There is something that I have been wanting to share with you but I have been debating whether or not to write it on the blog. It is something that is very personal to me and I hold it very near to my heart. But today I decided I would write about it.

I would consider the night before your surgery to be my darkest hour of my life. I cannot think of another time when I have been so afraid. It was almost as if I was afraid to breathe because I knew that every breath brought us closer to your surgery. There was a constant prayer in my heart. I knew that God would not give us any trial that we cannot handle. That was something that I had to remind myself of repeatedly. I can remember looking at you as I was putting your pajamas on that night and wondering if you would be around for me to do the same the next night. (Gosh just thinking about this again is making me sob.)I prayed and prayed that I would be able to hold you again. In the past I had received small confirmations and feelings here and there that told me you would live. I clung to those confirmations with all I had. But being the non-perfect person that I am...one feeling or whisper of the spirit was not enough for me. It wasn't long before I would ask God to tell me again that you would be ok. The night before your surgery was no exception to my imperfections. I needed to know, again, that you were going to make it through this daunting surgery because I felt like I was suffocating in fear.

I have an older brother who passed away at the tender age of 7 months. His diagnosis was SIDS (sudden infant death syndrome). It is because of him that I believe in angels. I know that God's angels are sent to watch over and care for the ones who still reside here on earth. I have felt him close to me many of times and I know that he watches over his family.

Well, that night we went to bed. You slept with us because I couldn't stand to have you away from me. When I woke up my thoughts and heart immediately went straight to a prayer. I sat up to get out of bed but something stopped me. I then felt as though heavenly, angelic arms were being wrapped around my body. Nothing has felt so real to me and nothing spoke to my heart the way it did at that moment. I felt warm and comforted. I felt my brother. From that time on, I knew, I absolutely knew, that you would be ok. You were going to make it. And I would hold you again. I would put your pajamas on you again. I would see your smile, hear your laugh, and watch you grow. That was all I needed. I could now go through the rest of the day and know you were going to come out fighting.

Now some of you may call me crazy and say that these types of experiences are not possible but I am here to tell you that they are. God hears us. He loves his little children and he loves his bigger children too! :) God only gives us trials to make us stronger and to bring us closer to Him.

I look back on that experience with gratitude because it has taught me a great amount. Prayers are heard and answered.

All my love,
Mom